The Thought Garden

I wanted to share a counseling technique I came up with and used a couple of weeks ago.  This technique is appropriate for school-age kids and adolescence--maybe even some adults that need a creative outlet.  Use your judgement on who is developmentally able to grasp the concept and benefit from this technique.  The goal of the thought garden is to promote self-awareness, assist in identifying thoughts/feelings/behaviors, help with self-talk concepts, and can be used to promote self-esteem.  The thought garden allows the client to get outside of his/her head in a creative way in order to work through thoughts and feelings.
Overall analogy: What are you feeding your garden?  What are you feeding you mind?

The Thought Garden

Materials:

A paper egg carton
Green paint
Pipe cleaners
Paper flower print outs- example: flowers
Construction paper
Scissors
Scotch tape  
Markers and crayons
Different colored marbles/gems, rocks- river or pebbles, and dry beans.
Print-outs from therapistaid.com: list of emotions OR positive traits

Preparation:

Cut the top off the egg carton

Paint the inside green

Have some flowers already cut out- this technique takes the full session time. So, having some cut out helps with time management.  If the client would benefit from cutting the flowers out himself/herself, then do so.  I plan to go to a craft store and find some punch-out flowers.

Have all print-outs printed and ready.  Even though I cut flowers out, I had more sheets available for the client to do if desired.

Gather the materials listed and have them set out as options for the client to choose from.

Instructions:

The italicized portion is an example of what to say to direct the technique.. However, tailor it to your client.  I gave instructions with choices, but continued to reflect my client's feelings or content, track actions, broaden meaning, return responsibility, and build self-esteem.

Allow the client to choose the materials he or she wants to use.

Present the client with the materials. 

1) This is your thought garden.  Our thoughts and feelings influence our choices and actions. 

If you are working on identifying thoughts and feelings... Provide the client with the list of emotions worksheet...

2) On this sheet circle all the feelings you have had this week.

The different colored marbles/gems, rocks- river or pebbles, and dry beans represent thoughts and feelings.  Let the client choose which represent different types of thoughts and feelings.

3) Now choose what materials you want to represent your thoughts and put them in any way you want on this side of the garden.

Once the thoughts are placed in the garden, move on to the feeling side.

4) Now chose what materials you want to represent your feelings and put them in any way you want on this side of the garden.

The next step is for the client to make flowers to represent his/her thoughts and feelings shared.

5) You have fed your garden all your thoughts and feelings. Now, it's time to make flowers that represent all you thoughts and feelings.. Color in any way you want to show all of your feelings.. You can choose to color these flowers or make your own with construction paper.  

Once the client has completed the flowers, it is time to tape them on the pipe cleaners.

As the client tapes the flowers on the pipe cleaners, discuss what each flower represents.. discuss colors, patterns, feelings, and continue to use the prompt to explore choices we make when we are feeling certain ways.

6) I'm wondering about your flowers.. I noticed this one has a lot of yellow.. etc etc.. 
While you are discussing the flowers, broaden the meaning.  Discuss examples of a time the client felt [insert feeling].. Let the conversation flow to what the client feels like sharing..

When the process is over, the client can choose to keep his/her flowers.
The other materials are for staying in the play room.

If you are wanting to do this technique to build self-esteem, utilize the positive traits print-out.  Have the client circle all the positive traits he/she has.  Then allow the client to fill the garden with all the things that represent those traits.. Let it be a prompt for discussing the strengths of those traits or sharing a time they felt proud or were generous etc.

If you are wanting to focus more on self-talk, follow the instructions above, but incorporate the difference between positive and negative thoughts.. how thoughts influence your feelings and actions.. Instruct the client to choose a material for postive thoughts and a material for negative thoughts to fill his/her garden with.


** I do not have a picture of a completed thought garden due to keeping confidentiality with my clients.  Hopefully, my instructions were clear enough to visualize :) I hope another counselor finds this helpful. 

Grief & Encouragement

Grieving is a process.  It is not quick.  There is no simple solution or steps to follow.

It is a rollercoaster.  A rollercoaster of emotions.

As of late, I have been dealing with a lot. Let me be candid for a moment without disclosing specific details.  Attack after attack has been on our household.  My health, my husband's health, our son's health, financial attacks, and dreams being attacked.. Basically, I get up to be knocked down by something new weekly or even daily.  Stress. Worry.  Sickness.  Life is hard.

As I have been facing these attacks and clinging to God's strength, I have been lining up my encouragers.  Whenever I face a battle, I don't do it alone.  I have my God, my husband, my family, and select close friends.  With how hard things have been lately... I couldn't help but to notice a gaping hole... one of my strongest encouragers was gone.  My Aunt Cheryl.

Aunt Cheryl was a sounding board for encouragement.. Not only with her words to others, but with her life.  The battles she faced took no stronghold on her.  She was strong, courageous, graceful, kind, and invincible.  I could go on and on about how amazing she was. I love talking about her.  I miss her. Even though she is not here, I am still encouraged when I think about her.. when I think about things she has said to me.. things she faced and conquered with God's strength.. What a legacy.. Encouraging others beyond the grave.

Dealing with her death has been one of the hardest things I've gone through.  I cry.  I laugh.  I cry some more. It's like how can I be crying and smiling at the same time?! That is grief my friends.

Some days my heart literally, physically aches.. I look at my phone, and I am ready to dial her number only to realize I can't..  Other days, I look at pictures in my house of her or items that were handed down to me and smile at all the memories.. I feel peace and comfort knowing she is whole and in Heaven.  I will tell you.. Lately.. the grieving process has been difficult.  Through these battles, there have been days I just needed to talk to my Aunt Cheryl.  I needed her encouragement and positivity.. I needed her to pray with me.. It's been hard.. Since that can't happen, I focus on what I think she would say to me.. What I think she would do in my situation.. Then I pray hard.

Grieving a loved one isn't something that will be completed in a month, year, or even 5 years.. Over time, we learn to live with the memory of those we loved and lost.  We cherish those memories.. The memories begin to bring more smiles than they do tears.  They are never forgotten.  Take your time through the process.  Cry.. laugh.. maybe even at the same time.  You aren't crazy.  You are dealing with everything, and it is healthy.

I am thankful for my precious memories of my Aunt.  I am thankful I serve a God that fuels my strength, gives me peace, and comforts me.

Your Child's Counselor

Counseling is a vulnerable and personal experience no matter the age.  Admitting you need professional help as a parent can be humbling.. You may have feelings of failure.. Feel as if you're at your wits ends.. Feel defeated.. Feel anxious.. Choosing the right counselor for your child can be a difficult process.

Your child's counselor is your family's counselor.  And, he or she should understand these feelings or reservations you have.  You should feel heard.  You should feel understood and empathized with.  Your child's counselor is not just there to counsel your child.  He or she is there to help counsel you.. to offer you parenting help, hear your concerns, hear your updates, and help your family heal or function in a healthy way.

Your child's counselor should be a trusted partner.  You should feel confident in his/her knowledge and abilities to counsel your family.  You should fully trust him or her.  This means trusting the counselor to tell you what you need to know but keeping your child's confidence.  For example.. The counselor would discuss John's anger with you this way.. "John is expressing and exhibiting a lot of anger in our sessions.. I was wondering how he deals with anger at home and school?"... The counselor would not say.. "John spent the entire hour session beating the snot out of the bop bag.. he stabbed it.. yelled at it..etc"... You have to trust the counselor enough to tell you what information you need to know.. Not always details and specifics.. but themes and summarizations. Keeping the trust and confidence of your child is crucial to the counseling relationship.  And if the time comes when quotes and details need to be shared, you can trust that the counselor will share them in the safest way possible for the child or teen.  Keeping your child safe, is the #1 priority.

Your child's counselor is a part of the team.  The team refers to the parents, the child, the teacher(s), the pediatrician, the counselor, and other professionals--psychologist or psychiatrist etc.  Any one that is involved in helping your child is a team player.  Help cannot be achieved by one person.  It takes every one doing their part.  This is why it is important to sign a release of information.. Allow your counselor to contact those who are also helping your child.  The team will work efficiently with open commutation.  A good counselor will want to work with a team.

Your child's counselor recognizes your worth as a parent.  This cannot be understated.  Too many parents feel pushed aside when their child has a problem... "leave it to the professionals"...  If you are not actively involved in your child's counseling process, it is time to find another counselor.  NO ONE is more important in your child's life than YOU.  You are an integral part in helping your child.  The counselor is in your child's life for a moment.  You are in your child's life forever.  This means you, the parent, will see this through to the end.  You will be there to help your child through life and the complications it brings.  Therefore, the counselor should be equipping you.  The counselor helps in this time of need, but prepares you and your child to be independent of the counselor.

He calls him Daddy.

We take this Sunday to celebrate dads.  Dads are awesome!!  Before they were dads, they were boys.  So, fellow boy moms and dads, listen up. You are raising someone's future husband and daddy.  Raise them babies right!  Teach those boys and young men to protect and provide.  Not only to protect and be strong with physical might.. but strong in God and strong in sensitivity.. Raise them to protect their heart and the hearts of those they love.  Teach them to be providers of all things.. even emotional needs. Raise up gentlemen and heroes.  Teach that young man to stand up for others.. those who can't or won't stand up for themselves.

I love being a boy mom!  It is a great responsibility.  What makes it wonderful is I chose the man I married knowing, he will be the example of what a man should be to my children.  Let me take a minute to brag on my husband..  He is Godly, giving, kind, patient, strong, sensitive, providing, smart, considerate, intelligent, hard-working, loving, funny, handsome, protective, passionate, and caring...  Literally, he is the whole package.  He completes and compliments me.  He is the standing example to James of what a man of God is.  I am so thankful.  Some say having a child causes distance in marriage.. In my experience, having a child has made me fall more in love with my husband.  Seeing him be a daddy is everything to me.

So, single ladies.. when you are dating and deciding if a man is marriage material.. decide if he is father material.  

Picture that man not only as a husband but as a daddy.  Get him around friends who have kids, or kids that are in your life.. See how he interacts.  Ask him questions.. Questions about his upbringing.. when he is a father, what would he continue or change.. how many kids does he want.. how much of an active role will he take as a dad.. I'm not saying to do this all on the second date or bombard him with questions of fatherhood.. Don't be demanding or crazy.  I am saying these questions need to be asked when you are serious.. And it should feel natural.  When you are talking about engagement or are engaged, there are important future questions you need to ask and have answered.. that's what good premarital counseling is for, which is a whole other post for another day.

Well, I hope all the fathers had a blessed Father's Day.  I pray every dad understands the magnitude of their worth and much needed role in their child's life.  Be an active, positive influence in your child's life.  It makes all the difference.

Here are a few Father's Day pictures from our weekend <3

Let's Talk About... Conflict

Confrontation.

When some of you read that word you felt on guard, ready.. Others felt fear, nervous.. Some view confrontation has a "bad" thing.  You were taught confrontation was wrong and to be avoided.  Some only know confrontation as screaming and ugliness. Some understand confrontation is a healthy thing.. And when done right, a process to healing and closure.

I fall into the latter category.  I grew up seeing healthy confrontation modeled by my parents.. To each other, us kids, or other people..  My parents never yelled or were ugly.  But, they did disagree.  Disagreements and confrontation were respectful discussions with a resolution.  Often, we had "family meetings".  When something big happened, we gathered upstairs in the living room and talked things out.  I am thankful for this example of confrontation in the home.  I'm not saying every one was always perfect about it.  When things got heated, it was quickly diffused.  We learned to listen and be empathetic.  We learned to respectfully disagree and confront  others.

My 5 guidelines for confrontation are:

1) Confront the person directly.  

This doesn't mean gossip or bad-mouth or complain about the person to some one else. It does me talk to the person you have offense with or disagree with.  Not through text.  Not through social media.  Face to face.  Don't let things get lost in translation.

If I have a problem with you, I can promise you will know it.  You won't be hearing it from others.  I will be telling you.

2)  Pick your battles.

I cannot stress this point enough! This is something I learned in Jr. High.  My youth Pastor told me this one day, and I took it to heart.

I am a passionate person.  I am a competitive person.  I am a determined person... Do you see where I am going with this??  Since I don't put up with crap and don't have a problem speaking my mind, I was fighting battles all over the place.  It was tiring.  I was dealing with so many mean girls my head would spin.  There's just no need in that.  Life is too short, yall.  Just because a battle is presented, doesn't mean you should fight it.  Maturity taught me to pick what was important..  What I needed to stand my ground on.

As I've gotten older, this has served me well..  Especially, being a wife and mother.  I pick what is critical and important.. On those issues, I won't back down.  The small stuff I shake off.  Don't make life harder than what it has to be. 

3)  You can't argue with stupid.

This kinda goes with #2.. But, it still stands alone.
Listen, some people are just not worth fighting with.  You can't reason with them.  You can't change their mind.  You can't make they listen.  They are difficult or know-it-alls or just plain mean.  That's life, and it's full of people like this.  These people are not my inner-circle people.  These people are just there.  They exist, and it can be hard to keep your mouth shut around them.  Trust me.  But, it's just not worth it because.. You can't argue with stupid.  Tell yourself that.. Make yourself laugh about it.  Go on doing your thing.

4) Practice Empathy

Try. Try hard to see the other person's point of view.. even if you know you are right.  This way you can better understand the situation and communicate effectively.  As a counselor, I am always reading nonverbals and analyzing.. I don't even realize I am doing it.  But, I do.  This helps me empathize with others and understand where they are coming from.  Give it a try.  It's not always easy.

5) Don't lose your cool.

This one is tough.  Sometimes you just want to scream and yell. I'd be lying if I said I have never yelled.  But, I learned a long time ago, when you yell several things happen:

The situation escalates.. The whole mood changes.  The person you were yelling at changes.. They yell back or become more defensive.  The situation can become unsafe.. Meaning.. Words cannot be unheard.. and ugly words hurt.

When you yell, you aren't truly heard.  Two things happen inside me when I've been yelled at.. I either shut down and block out everything you are saying. OR fire rises inside of me.. I stop listening and will win the fight.  Either way, the other person isn't heard.

Also, you are no longer communicating.  When you're angry or frustrated to the point of yelling, you no longer make sense.  You lose your ability to think clearly and effectively communicate.

Lastly, yelling makes you look bad.  If others are around you, and you're the only person yelling.. People see YOUR reaction to the offense.. Not what was actually done to you.  You appear out of control and sometimes even ignorant.

So, instead of yelling, get that tone.  That tone in your voice that means business.  Parents, you know what I'm talking about..  Just change it from a scolding tone to a.. I am serious and will be heard tone.



Confrontation and disagreements can be hard to work through.  We all make mistakes and lose our cool.. Always try to learn from every situation.  Consciously think about what you are about to say and how the other person will feel or react.  Don't let emotions overwhelm you.
Self-control.  Clear communication.  Resolution.

Parenthood & Friendship

James and I spent the week at my parents in Little Rock.  It was my last visit for a long time because I will start working weekends soon.  We enjoyed every day, and it was filled with new adventures for James.  The quality time I spent with my parents got me thinking about the transition from parenting to friendship. 

Parenting and friendship are powerful components that at times intertwine and stand alone.

When we are young, we need our parent to be parents.  We need structure and authority filled with unconditional love.  When we are teens, we need authority and guidance that leads us to independence.  Also, we need to begin a friendship that will last throughout our adult years.  In our young and old adults years, we need our parents to become our close friends, no longer our authority figures.  What I just described is the desired outcome when you have a healthy relationship with your parents.

My parents are my best friends.

They were parents when I was young.  They didn't try to be my "friend". They raised me to be capable and independent.  Yet, they raised me in an atmosphere of love.  They respected me; I respected them.  They understood their job and ultimate goal was to raise me to stand on my own.  Not to hover.  Not to dictate.  Not to make my decisions.  Not to always protect me.

There comes a point in parenthood you have to start letting go.  You have to let your kids fail.  It's hard.  It's hard to watch your children make mistakes or struggle no matter their age.  But, sometimes it is necessary.  If you have a strong friendship with your children in their adults years, you've reserved the right to speak into their lives when asked.  Because you have that friendship, they will ask; they value your opinion.  But, as the parent, you know your opinion and advice may not be their final decision. And, guess what? That is okay. Remember, you raised them to be adults.  You raised them to be capable.

I understand.. That is your baby, and your baby he will always be.  I get it.  But, you (the parent) will not always be around.  You will not always be there to make the decisions for your child.  You have to instill in your child the values and wisdom it takes to make it alone.  That is your job.  Not to always hold their hand or command what they do.

I am so thankful my parents raised me to be a strong, independent, and capable woman.  They trust me, and I trust them.  They did their job well.  They are there for me when I fail or succeed.  They are my biggest cheerleaders.  Now, they recognize me as an adult and friend.  Don't get me wrong, I will always be their baby.  But, now, our relationship has turned into sometime beautiful.. a strong friendship.  I love spending time with them.  I love seeing them be grandparents.  I love my parents.

Dear James

Dear James,

Today, is your birthday.  My heart is thrilled to watch you learn and grow.  You are a problem-solver.  You are funny and full of energy.  You are strong-willed.  You are kind and loving.  You are creative and independent.. No matter how big and tall and smart you get.. You are my baby boy.

I will never hold you back from growing or chasing your dreams.. but, you will never have a moment you wonder if Mommy is there.. Because I will always be there for you.. I will always support you, encourage you, believe in you, pray for you, be strong for you, cry with you, laugh with you, and love you.  No matter what you do or say, you are my baby boy.

Thank you for enriching my life with your laughter and strong personality.  You are everything I prayed for.  God made you special.  He has His hand on your life. So dream big, work hard, and trust in God.  I know you will do great things.. You have already significantly impacted my life just by being my baby boy.

Today, you are two.
But, no matter how old you get.. You will always be my baby boy.

Love, Mama