Grief & Encouragement

Grieving is a process.  It is not quick.  There is no simple solution or steps to follow.

It is a rollercoaster.  A rollercoaster of emotions.

As of late, I have been dealing with a lot. Let me be candid for a moment without disclosing specific details.  Attack after attack has been on our household.  My health, my husband's health, our son's health, financial attacks, and dreams being attacked.. Basically, I get up to be knocked down by something new weekly or even daily.  Stress. Worry.  Sickness.  Life is hard.

As I have been facing these attacks and clinging to God's strength, I have been lining up my encouragers.  Whenever I face a battle, I don't do it alone.  I have my God, my husband, my family, and select close friends.  With how hard things have been lately... I couldn't help but to notice a gaping hole... one of my strongest encouragers was gone.  My Aunt Cheryl.

Aunt Cheryl was a sounding board for encouragement.. Not only with her words to others, but with her life.  The battles she faced took no stronghold on her.  She was strong, courageous, graceful, kind, and invincible.  I could go on and on about how amazing she was. I love talking about her.  I miss her. Even though she is not here, I am still encouraged when I think about her.. when I think about things she has said to me.. things she faced and conquered with God's strength.. What a legacy.. Encouraging others beyond the grave.

Dealing with her death has been one of the hardest things I've gone through.  I cry.  I laugh.  I cry some more. It's like how can I be crying and smiling at the same time?! That is grief my friends.

Some days my heart literally, physically aches.. I look at my phone, and I am ready to dial her number only to realize I can't..  Other days, I look at pictures in my house of her or items that were handed down to me and smile at all the memories.. I feel peace and comfort knowing she is whole and in Heaven.  I will tell you.. Lately.. the grieving process has been difficult.  Through these battles, there have been days I just needed to talk to my Aunt Cheryl.  I needed her encouragement and positivity.. I needed her to pray with me.. It's been hard.. Since that can't happen, I focus on what I think she would say to me.. What I think she would do in my situation.. Then I pray hard.

Grieving a loved one isn't something that will be completed in a month, year, or even 5 years.. Over time, we learn to live with the memory of those we loved and lost.  We cherish those memories.. The memories begin to bring more smiles than they do tears.  They are never forgotten.  Take your time through the process.  Cry.. laugh.. maybe even at the same time.  You aren't crazy.  You are dealing with everything, and it is healthy.

I am thankful for my precious memories of my Aunt.  I am thankful I serve a God that fuels my strength, gives me peace, and comforts me.

THIRTY & Thankful

For the past couple of years I have been saying I would start a blog.  Well, a year older always brings about introspection for me.  Yesterday, I turned the big 30.  I've put off this blog for reasons surrounding my two biggest life events: motherhood & grad school.  Now that I've conquered grad school and am embarking on my journey as a counselor, I feel it is time.  Really what I am saying is now that I don't have to write 20-30 page papers every week, typing up a blog isn't considered a chore any more but something fun.

I have thought long and hard about what my first post would be.. Surely something life changing.. challenging.. or monumental.. I am not sure any of those descriptions will stick. Instead I want to share something that is on my heart and dedicate this first post to my husband. As my 'about me' section states.. We have been happily married since 2009.. 7 YEARS this August <3 and since my birthday was yesterday, it is only fitting I share the best gift my husband has ever given me.

James Kal-El Dillon

You are probably thinking.. Cliche. Of course it she would say her son.. this adorable-blonde haired-blue eyed- sweet heart... But, it goes beyond the gift of my son & motherhood. My husband has given me the gift of being a stay at home mom for 2 years. For 2 years, I have been the sole caregiver for this little boy.  For 2 years, my husband has worked hard, been my support through grad school, and made it possible for me to stay home.

See, being a stay at home mom wasn't the plan. We didn't plan to get pregnant until after I finished grad school. Well, God had a different plan, and I thank Him every day.  I found out I was pregnant my first week of grad school.  We were elated and overwhelmed. This wasn't our plan.. I was supposed to be done with school.. have the Master's degree.. be secure in a job.  But, God knew I needed these 2 years being a stay at home mom.  Dallas worked hard to make it happen.  I can never thank God or Dallas enough for this precious gift.  James is a part of my heart.  I didn't realize how hard it would be for me to start work.  I had been a nanny for 12+ years always taking care of other mommies' littles. I never knew the struggle within. I never knew the battle of being an ambitious or a career driven woman vs. wanting to stay at home and not miss a moment with your baby. Now, I know. I know the heart ache. But, most importantly I know the 2 years I was able to be home with my baby.  I will never take that time for granted.

So, Dallas, thank you. Thank you for your hard work and sacrifice. Thank you for your support and encouragement. And, thank you for the best gift you could of ever given to me. I love you.