Confrontation.
When some of you read that word you felt on guard, ready.. Others felt fear, nervous.. Some view confrontation has a "bad" thing. You were taught confrontation was wrong and to be avoided. Some only know confrontation as screaming and ugliness. Some understand confrontation is a healthy thing.. And when done right, a process to healing and closure.
I fall into the latter category. I grew up seeing healthy confrontation modeled by my parents.. To each other, us kids, or other people.. My parents never yelled or were ugly. But, they did disagree. Disagreements and confrontation were respectful discussions with a resolution. Often, we had "family meetings". When something big happened, we gathered upstairs in the living room and talked things out. I am thankful for this example of confrontation in the home. I'm not saying every one was always perfect about it. When things got heated, it was quickly diffused. We learned to listen and be empathetic. We learned to respectfully disagree and confront others.
My 5 guidelines for confrontation are:
1) Confront the person directly.
This doesn't mean gossip or bad-mouth or complain about the person to some one else. It does me talk to the person you have offense with or disagree with. Not through text. Not through social media. Face to face. Don't let things get lost in translation.
If I have a problem with you, I can promise you will know it. You won't be hearing it from others. I will be telling you.
2) Pick your battles.
I cannot stress this point enough! This is something I learned in Jr. High. My youth Pastor told me this one day, and I took it to heart.
I am a passionate person. I am a competitive person. I am a determined person... Do you see where I am going with this?? Since I don't put up with crap and don't have a problem speaking my mind, I was fighting battles all over the place. It was tiring. I was dealing with so many mean girls my head would spin. There's just no need in that. Life is too short, yall. Just because a battle is presented, doesn't mean you should fight it. Maturity taught me to pick what was important.. What I needed to stand my ground on.
As I've gotten older, this has served me well.. Especially, being a wife and mother. I pick what is critical and important.. On those issues, I won't back down. The small stuff I shake off. Don't make life harder than what it has to be.
3) You can't argue with stupid.
This kinda goes with #2.. But, it still stands alone.
Listen, some people are just not worth fighting with. You can't reason with them. You can't change their mind. You can't make they listen. They are difficult or know-it-alls or just plain mean. That's life, and it's full of people like this. These people are not my inner-circle people. These people are just there. They exist, and it can be hard to keep your mouth shut around them. Trust me. But, it's just not worth it because.. You can't argue with stupid. Tell yourself that.. Make yourself laugh about it. Go on doing your thing.
4) Practice Empathy
Try. Try hard to see the other person's point of view.. even if you know you are right. This way you can better understand the situation and communicate effectively. As a counselor, I am always reading nonverbals and analyzing.. I don't even realize I am doing it. But, I do. This helps me empathize with others and understand where they are coming from. Give it a try. It's not always easy.
5) Don't lose your cool.
This one is tough. Sometimes you just want to scream and yell. I'd be lying if I said I have never yelled. But, I learned a long time ago, when you yell several things happen:
The situation escalates.. The whole mood changes. The person you were yelling at changes.. They yell back or become more defensive. The situation can become unsafe.. Meaning.. Words cannot be unheard.. and ugly words hurt.
When you yell, you aren't truly heard. Two things happen inside me when I've been yelled at.. I either shut down and block out everything you are saying. OR fire rises inside of me.. I stop listening and will win the fight. Either way, the other person isn't heard.
Also, you are no longer communicating. When you're angry or frustrated to the point of yelling, you no longer make sense. You lose your ability to think clearly and effectively communicate.
Lastly, yelling makes you look bad. If others are around you, and you're the only person yelling.. People see YOUR reaction to the offense.. Not what was actually done to you. You appear out of control and sometimes even ignorant.
So, instead of yelling, get that tone. That tone in your voice that means business. Parents, you know what I'm talking about.. Just change it from a scolding tone to a.. I am serious and will be heard tone.
Confrontation and disagreements can be hard to work through. We all make mistakes and lose our cool.. Always try to learn from every situation. Consciously think about what you are about to say and how the other person will feel or react. Don't let emotions overwhelm you.
Self-control. Clear communication. Resolution.
No comments:
Post a Comment