Grief & Encouragement

Grieving is a process.  It is not quick.  There is no simple solution or steps to follow.

It is a rollercoaster.  A rollercoaster of emotions.

As of late, I have been dealing with a lot. Let me be candid for a moment without disclosing specific details.  Attack after attack has been on our household.  My health, my husband's health, our son's health, financial attacks, and dreams being attacked.. Basically, I get up to be knocked down by something new weekly or even daily.  Stress. Worry.  Sickness.  Life is hard.

As I have been facing these attacks and clinging to God's strength, I have been lining up my encouragers.  Whenever I face a battle, I don't do it alone.  I have my God, my husband, my family, and select close friends.  With how hard things have been lately... I couldn't help but to notice a gaping hole... one of my strongest encouragers was gone.  My Aunt Cheryl.

Aunt Cheryl was a sounding board for encouragement.. Not only with her words to others, but with her life.  The battles she faced took no stronghold on her.  She was strong, courageous, graceful, kind, and invincible.  I could go on and on about how amazing she was. I love talking about her.  I miss her. Even though she is not here, I am still encouraged when I think about her.. when I think about things she has said to me.. things she faced and conquered with God's strength.. What a legacy.. Encouraging others beyond the grave.

Dealing with her death has been one of the hardest things I've gone through.  I cry.  I laugh.  I cry some more. It's like how can I be crying and smiling at the same time?! That is grief my friends.

Some days my heart literally, physically aches.. I look at my phone, and I am ready to dial her number only to realize I can't..  Other days, I look at pictures in my house of her or items that were handed down to me and smile at all the memories.. I feel peace and comfort knowing she is whole and in Heaven.  I will tell you.. Lately.. the grieving process has been difficult.  Through these battles, there have been days I just needed to talk to my Aunt Cheryl.  I needed her encouragement and positivity.. I needed her to pray with me.. It's been hard.. Since that can't happen, I focus on what I think she would say to me.. What I think she would do in my situation.. Then I pray hard.

Grieving a loved one isn't something that will be completed in a month, year, or even 5 years.. Over time, we learn to live with the memory of those we loved and lost.  We cherish those memories.. The memories begin to bring more smiles than they do tears.  They are never forgotten.  Take your time through the process.  Cry.. laugh.. maybe even at the same time.  You aren't crazy.  You are dealing with everything, and it is healthy.

I am thankful for my precious memories of my Aunt.  I am thankful I serve a God that fuels my strength, gives me peace, and comforts me.

Mommy Shaming: Stop it Already!!

A re-run of Full House came on the other night.  We can add Full House to James’ list of real human shows he likes: Big Bang Theory, DWTS, and Wheel of Fortune.  As James was mesmerized by Michelle, Dallas and I begin a conversation about "a simpler time".. Oh the 80's & 90's..  Bring back the scrunchies! Of course it was simpler.  We were babies.  But, beyond that, the 80's & 90's were awesome.  I'm sure every parent at some point says this.. ‘Maybe it was easier to raise children back in the day of my parents.’  

The truth is every generation has it hard and its own challenges.  The problem is in this digital generation, we have a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips.  In the past, doctors and other professionals were completely trusted.  If you needed to know something, you read a book or asked a professional.  Now, we can Google anything we want.  Parents second-guess doctors and teachers based on the information they've read online.  I'm not saying the internet and Google are our enemies all the time.  It's convenient and helpful, but the internet can be hazardous to our way of thinking.  

Parenting is under a microscope.  That microscope is social media.  We post all day every day about our beautiful kids and lives.  Every post or picture about our children is judged and criticized.  Being a mommy in today’s world can be brutal.  The worst part is majority of the judgers and critics are fellow mothers… Thus, let the mommy shaming begin.  

Mommy shaming has gotten so bad moms can’t post a picture without a clarifying hash tag or statement.  I can’t tell you how many friends of mine do this.. I know I’m guilty.  It’s a way of avoiding the attack.  What’s sad is I don’t know if we even consciously realize that’s what we are doing sometimes.  It’s like we expect people to assume the worst.  The truth is social media tells a partial truth.  People never truly know the full story.

A mom will post a picture of her cute daughter eating cookie dough off a spoon.. but it’s followed by (the cookie dough is eggless).. Or a mom will post a happy picture of her kid with an Easter basket.. but clarify (he won’t eat all the candy)..  A cute picture of a kid sitting in front of a tv watching his favorite movie is followed by.. he’s been outside all day and it’s time to relax.. I could go on and on.

We are shamed if we… don’t use all organic, feed gmos, don’t make our own baby food, vaccinate our children, don’t vaccinate, breastfeed in public, breastfeed for too long, give formula, cuddle our babies to sleep, let them cry it out, co-sleep, bed share, cloth diaper, disposable diaper, how we discipline, how we don’t discipline, stay at home with our babies, or go to work…… 

Literally, everything becomes a debate or can be a mommy shaming moment.  I’ve see moms shamed about the type of lotion or baby soap they use on their kids… Seriously?! Social media has unleashed monsters.  Wasn’t it nice when we could just parent and make the best decisions for our family in peace… Oh wait… I’ve never actually known that time.  Parents before us heard judgments to their face from family and friends or maybe strangers at the super market… Now, we get that AND social media for the world to see.  And how often it goes viral.

So, fellow mommies QUIT shaming your sister!  We are not perfect, but we choose to do what’s best for OUR family.  SAHMs and Working moms, let the war end.  If it is best for your family to stay home and you have the means/desire to do it, do it!  If you need to work or WANT to work, do it to it!

Moms, it’s hard enough raising a child in this world without the added shaming from one another.  Instead, we should be joining together.. defending each other.. encouraging each other! Not adding to the mess of criticism and shame.  I don’t agree with every thing I see from other moms, and I’m sure they don’t agree with every thing I do…. WHO CARES?!  You do you.  You take care of your family. 

If there is a legitimate safety concern, I understand the need to confront.  But, do it with grace and discretion.  Do it privately and with love!  That means.. don’t blast it on her IG or FB.. Don’t pm her over her giving her baby non-organic bananas.  Good grief.  I’ve decided I’m done with people shaming me or the unwanted advice.  Life is too short to clarify my actions in my posts or respond to crazies because I used the “wrong” type of lotion on my baby.  I'm over here like... We have more important problems as women to fight instead of each other.. respect, pay equality, maternity leave, and positions of leadership in the church and secular world.  

To tip the scale, I am going to encourage and compliment every fellow mom in my life.  I encourage you to do the same.  We need each other.  It’s time for the mommy shaming to end.