It is a rollercoaster. A rollercoaster of emotions.
As of late, I have been dealing with a lot. Let me be candid for a moment without disclosing specific details. Attack after attack has been on our household. My health, my husband's health, our son's health, financial attacks, and dreams being attacked.. Basically, I get up to be knocked down by something new weekly or even daily. Stress. Worry. Sickness. Life is hard.
As I have been facing these attacks and clinging to God's strength, I have been lining up my encouragers. Whenever I face a battle, I don't do it alone. I have my God, my husband, my family, and select close friends. With how hard things have been lately... I couldn't help but to notice a gaping hole... one of my strongest encouragers was gone. My Aunt Cheryl.
Aunt Cheryl was a sounding board for encouragement.. Not only with her words to others, but with her life. The battles she faced took no stronghold on her. She was strong, courageous, graceful, kind, and invincible. I could go on and on about how amazing she was. I love talking about her. I miss her. Even though she is not here, I am still encouraged when I think about her.. when I think about things she has said to me.. things she faced and conquered with God's strength.. What a legacy.. Encouraging others beyond the grave.
Dealing with her death has been one of the hardest things I've gone through. I cry. I laugh. I cry some more. It's like how can I be crying and smiling at the same time?! That is grief my friends.
Some days my heart literally, physically aches.. I look at my phone, and I am ready to dial her number only to realize I can't.. Other days, I look at pictures in my house of her or items that were handed down to me and smile at all the memories.. I feel peace and comfort knowing she is whole and in Heaven. I will tell you.. Lately.. the grieving process has been difficult. Through these battles, there have been days I just needed to talk to my Aunt Cheryl. I needed her encouragement and positivity.. I needed her to pray with me.. It's been hard.. Since that can't happen, I focus on what I think she would say to me.. What I think she would do in my situation.. Then I pray hard.
Grieving a loved one isn't something that will be completed in a month, year, or even 5 years.. Over time, we learn to live with the memory of those we loved and lost. We cherish those memories.. The memories begin to bring more smiles than they do tears. They are never forgotten. Take your time through the process. Cry.. laugh.. maybe even at the same time. You aren't crazy. You are dealing with everything, and it is healthy.
I am thankful for my precious memories of my Aunt. I am thankful I serve a God that fuels my strength, gives me peace, and comforts me.
Years ago for the first time in my life I realized what it meant to love someone so much it hurts. Then when Cheryl Turner died I realized what it meant to love someone so much I wanted to die when she did.
ReplyDeleteEvery struggle I face I hunger to be able to talk to her and be comforted and encouraged like no one else can do. Every victory she is the first on my mind to share with knowing she will be just as excited as I am.
The thought of living without Cheryl is second only to living without God. Without God I couldn't live on without Cheryl. But I press on, because God and Cheryl want me to. It hurts, some days more than other but I go on.
So well written baby girl. I know how you feel with every word. At times I just can't believe she's gone but I will miss her forever until I get to heaven with her. Her encouragement and prayers were so sincere and so powerful. She was a tremendous blessing to us and so many others. Thank you for being so sweet to write these words but I know they come from your heart because you are a lot like Cheryl. Stay sweet and tender just like she was!
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