The Affirmation Board

So, in my last post, I shared a self-esteem building technique I use to get the family involved.. Here is the follow-up activity I do with my client & family.

When a child (school-aged, tween, or teen) struggles with low self-esteem, to get the self-esteem building kickstarted, I utilize positive relationships in the child's life.  The family unit is a tricky thing sometimes... Sometimes, the parents get so focused on the "problem" with the child that they don't focus on the positives. The Affirmation Board is a way I like to keep all the positivity going at home. We decorate the board in session.  Then the client and family go home with the hand-out to follow through with the instructions.  This activity builds self-esteem and family communication.

Supplies:

• Square cork board- I buy a 4 pack from Michaels or Hobby Lobby.
• Ribbon
• Paint
• Glue
• Magazines
• Ribbon

Here is the hand-out and instructions:

Affirmation Board

1) Decorate in any way that you want.

o     Paint, collage with pictures, or cover with fabric.

o     Choose a ribbon to hot glue to the back so you can hang it somewhere in your room that you can easily see.

o     Choose push-pins for you to place your affirmations on the board.

2) Decide on the day(s) with your parents for everyone              to post affirmations.

o   Each of your parents will post.

o   You will post.

o   Choose things that will encourage you and build your self-worth.

o   Focus on qualities you love about yourself and qualities you want to improve—that you are actively working hard to improve.

o   Compliments, good choices you have made, things you do well, things that make you unique/special, and strengths you have.

o   Read your affirmations every day, especially when you are struggling with something.

3) Designate a place to keep all your affirmations                  safe.

o   When you take an affirmation down to replace it with a new one, put the old ones in a shoebox or drawer.

o   If you are ever struggling with something specific, go to your designated affirmation place and pull one that will help you.  Post it.  You can do this at any time.

Self-Esteem Building Technique

Hello, again. This is another post for my fellow counselors :)

This is a technique I developed for my client and the family.. Therefore, the family has to be active participants in their child's counseling.

Reasons to use this technique:

• Self-esteem building
• Strengthen family bonds
• Awareness for self and family
• Open the lines of communication within the family
• Focusing on the positives

Supplies

• Hard-stock white paper
• A couple sheets of computer paper
• Black sharpies
• Scissors
• Glue stick
• Watercolors & paintbrushes

Directions

1) Get the Parents involved.

Tell the parents or whoever is actively involved in therapy to both bring the client to session because they will be participating in an activity. If everyone cannot attend, have the absent person do their part of the activity and send it. 

Do a parent check-in at the beginning of session. I explain the activity to the parents. I give each parent a white paper and sharpie. I tell them to write everything they love about their child, positive traits, affirmations, and all of their child's talents on the paper. I send them to the waiting room to do this. When they are done, I ask they slip their papers face-down under the door. I explain to my client they are helping us with today's activity.

2) Inside work with the client.

Draw a shape (heart or circle etc.) or a bell shaped curve on the hard-stock, white paper.  Have the client fill the inside of the shape with all of her positive traits, qualities she likes about herself, and things she is good at (not likes to do; I explain the difference). 

This is a good time to discuss internal emotional strength. People around us make mistakes, fail, change, sometimes hurt us, or move away.  We have to be internally grounded.

Also, be engaged in what she is writing. When she puts down a trait she has demonstrated in a session or shared an example about, mention it.  If you don't have working knowledge of something she listed, ask her for an example. Let this be a time the counseling relationship is strengthened.

3) Putting it all together.

Once the client is done with her inside work, show her, her parents' lists.  Read them. Let it digest. Talk about how it feels to read those things. What matches on her list and their lists?  Is there anything she would add to her inside list? 

Then she cuts them out and pastes them on the outside of the shape.

4) Paints, Colors, & Feelings

Then she paints with watercolor all the feelings she feels.. I tell her to let the colors represent everything she felt when she read her parents lists and while making her list. We talk about colors.. What feelings do they represent.. to go deeper into everything.. Sometimes, more feelings come up as she paints.. I pay attention to how she is painting it and point out what I see.

ALWAYS use a black sharpie for the writing part :) It wont smear.

Variation:

Group:

The inside is everything they have learned, felt, and liked about group. The outside is for everyone in the group to write affirmations... Then paint as before.

The Thought Garden

I wanted to share a counseling technique I came up with and used a couple of weeks ago.  This technique is appropriate for school-age kids and adolescence--maybe even some adults that need a creative outlet.  Use your judgement on who is developmentally able to grasp the concept and benefit from this technique.  The goal of the thought garden is to promote self-awareness, assist in identifying thoughts/feelings/behaviors, help with self-talk concepts, and can be used to promote self-esteem.  The thought garden allows the client to get outside of his/her head in a creative way in order to work through thoughts and feelings.
Overall analogy: What are you feeding your garden?  What are you feeding you mind?

The Thought Garden

Materials:

A paper egg carton
Green paint
Pipe cleaners
Paper flower print outs- example: flowers
Construction paper
Scissors
Scotch tape  
Markers and crayons
Different colored marbles/gems, rocks- river or pebbles, and dry beans.
Print-outs from therapistaid.com: list of emotions OR positive traits

Preparation:

Cut the top off the egg carton

Paint the inside green

Have some flowers already cut out- this technique takes the full session time. So, having some cut out helps with time management.  If the client would benefit from cutting the flowers out himself/herself, then do so.  I plan to go to a craft store and find some punch-out flowers.

Have all print-outs printed and ready.  Even though I cut flowers out, I had more sheets available for the client to do if desired.

Gather the materials listed and have them set out as options for the client to choose from.

Instructions:

The italicized portion is an example of what to say to direct the technique.. However, tailor it to your client.  I gave instructions with choices, but continued to reflect my client's feelings or content, track actions, broaden meaning, return responsibility, and build self-esteem.

Allow the client to choose the materials he or she wants to use.

Present the client with the materials. 

1) This is your thought garden.  Our thoughts and feelings influence our choices and actions. 

If you are working on identifying thoughts and feelings... Provide the client with the list of emotions worksheet...

2) On this sheet circle all the feelings you have had this week.

The different colored marbles/gems, rocks- river or pebbles, and dry beans represent thoughts and feelings.  Let the client choose which represent different types of thoughts and feelings.

3) Now choose what materials you want to represent your thoughts and put them in any way you want on this side of the garden.

Once the thoughts are placed in the garden, move on to the feeling side.

4) Now chose what materials you want to represent your feelings and put them in any way you want on this side of the garden.

The next step is for the client to make flowers to represent his/her thoughts and feelings shared.

5) You have fed your garden all your thoughts and feelings. Now, it's time to make flowers that represent all you thoughts and feelings.. Color in any way you want to show all of your feelings.. You can choose to color these flowers or make your own with construction paper.  

Once the client has completed the flowers, it is time to tape them on the pipe cleaners.

As the client tapes the flowers on the pipe cleaners, discuss what each flower represents.. discuss colors, patterns, feelings, and continue to use the prompt to explore choices we make when we are feeling certain ways.

6) I'm wondering about your flowers.. I noticed this one has a lot of yellow.. etc etc.. 
While you are discussing the flowers, broaden the meaning.  Discuss examples of a time the client felt [insert feeling].. Let the conversation flow to what the client feels like sharing..

When the process is over, the client can choose to keep his/her flowers.
The other materials are for staying in the play room.

If you are wanting to do this technique to build self-esteem, utilize the positive traits print-out.  Have the client circle all the positive traits he/she has.  Then allow the client to fill the garden with all the things that represent those traits.. Let it be a prompt for discussing the strengths of those traits or sharing a time they felt proud or were generous etc.

If you are wanting to focus more on self-talk, follow the instructions above, but incorporate the difference between positive and negative thoughts.. how thoughts influence your feelings and actions.. Instruct the client to choose a material for postive thoughts and a material for negative thoughts to fill his/her garden with.


** I do not have a picture of a completed thought garden due to keeping confidentiality with my clients.  Hopefully, my instructions were clear enough to visualize :) I hope another counselor finds this helpful. 

Grief & Encouragement

Grieving is a process.  It is not quick.  There is no simple solution or steps to follow.

It is a rollercoaster.  A rollercoaster of emotions.

As of late, I have been dealing with a lot. Let me be candid for a moment without disclosing specific details.  Attack after attack has been on our household.  My health, my husband's health, our son's health, financial attacks, and dreams being attacked.. Basically, I get up to be knocked down by something new weekly or even daily.  Stress. Worry.  Sickness.  Life is hard.

As I have been facing these attacks and clinging to God's strength, I have been lining up my encouragers.  Whenever I face a battle, I don't do it alone.  I have my God, my husband, my family, and select close friends.  With how hard things have been lately... I couldn't help but to notice a gaping hole... one of my strongest encouragers was gone.  My Aunt Cheryl.

Aunt Cheryl was a sounding board for encouragement.. Not only with her words to others, but with her life.  The battles she faced took no stronghold on her.  She was strong, courageous, graceful, kind, and invincible.  I could go on and on about how amazing she was. I love talking about her.  I miss her. Even though she is not here, I am still encouraged when I think about her.. when I think about things she has said to me.. things she faced and conquered with God's strength.. What a legacy.. Encouraging others beyond the grave.

Dealing with her death has been one of the hardest things I've gone through.  I cry.  I laugh.  I cry some more. It's like how can I be crying and smiling at the same time?! That is grief my friends.

Some days my heart literally, physically aches.. I look at my phone, and I am ready to dial her number only to realize I can't..  Other days, I look at pictures in my house of her or items that were handed down to me and smile at all the memories.. I feel peace and comfort knowing she is whole and in Heaven.  I will tell you.. Lately.. the grieving process has been difficult.  Through these battles, there have been days I just needed to talk to my Aunt Cheryl.  I needed her encouragement and positivity.. I needed her to pray with me.. It's been hard.. Since that can't happen, I focus on what I think she would say to me.. What I think she would do in my situation.. Then I pray hard.

Grieving a loved one isn't something that will be completed in a month, year, or even 5 years.. Over time, we learn to live with the memory of those we loved and lost.  We cherish those memories.. The memories begin to bring more smiles than they do tears.  They are never forgotten.  Take your time through the process.  Cry.. laugh.. maybe even at the same time.  You aren't crazy.  You are dealing with everything, and it is healthy.

I am thankful for my precious memories of my Aunt.  I am thankful I serve a God that fuels my strength, gives me peace, and comforts me.

Your Child's Counselor

Counseling is a vulnerable and personal experience no matter the age.  Admitting you need professional help as a parent can be humbling.. You may have feelings of failure.. Feel as if you're at your wits ends.. Feel defeated.. Feel anxious.. Choosing the right counselor for your child can be a difficult process.

Your child's counselor is your family's counselor.  And, he or she should understand these feelings or reservations you have.  You should feel heard.  You should feel understood and empathized with.  Your child's counselor is not just there to counsel your child.  He or she is there to help counsel you.. to offer you parenting help, hear your concerns, hear your updates, and help your family heal or function in a healthy way.

Your child's counselor should be a trusted partner.  You should feel confident in his/her knowledge and abilities to counsel your family.  You should fully trust him or her.  This means trusting the counselor to tell you what you need to know but keeping your child's confidence.  For example.. The counselor would discuss John's anger with you this way.. "John is expressing and exhibiting a lot of anger in our sessions.. I was wondering how he deals with anger at home and school?"... The counselor would not say.. "John spent the entire hour session beating the snot out of the bop bag.. he stabbed it.. yelled at it..etc"... You have to trust the counselor enough to tell you what information you need to know.. Not always details and specifics.. but themes and summarizations. Keeping the trust and confidence of your child is crucial to the counseling relationship.  And if the time comes when quotes and details need to be shared, you can trust that the counselor will share them in the safest way possible for the child or teen.  Keeping your child safe, is the #1 priority.

Your child's counselor is a part of the team.  The team refers to the parents, the child, the teacher(s), the pediatrician, the counselor, and other professionals--psychologist or psychiatrist etc.  Any one that is involved in helping your child is a team player.  Help cannot be achieved by one person.  It takes every one doing their part.  This is why it is important to sign a release of information.. Allow your counselor to contact those who are also helping your child.  The team will work efficiently with open commutation.  A good counselor will want to work with a team.

Your child's counselor recognizes your worth as a parent.  This cannot be understated.  Too many parents feel pushed aside when their child has a problem... "leave it to the professionals"...  If you are not actively involved in your child's counseling process, it is time to find another counselor.  NO ONE is more important in your child's life than YOU.  You are an integral part in helping your child.  The counselor is in your child's life for a moment.  You are in your child's life forever.  This means you, the parent, will see this through to the end.  You will be there to help your child through life and the complications it brings.  Therefore, the counselor should be equipping you.  The counselor helps in this time of need, but prepares you and your child to be independent of the counselor.

He calls him Daddy.

We take this Sunday to celebrate dads.  Dads are awesome!!  Before they were dads, they were boys.  So, fellow boy moms and dads, listen up. You are raising someone's future husband and daddy.  Raise them babies right!  Teach those boys and young men to protect and provide.  Not only to protect and be strong with physical might.. but strong in God and strong in sensitivity.. Raise them to protect their heart and the hearts of those they love.  Teach them to be providers of all things.. even emotional needs. Raise up gentlemen and heroes.  Teach that young man to stand up for others.. those who can't or won't stand up for themselves.

I love being a boy mom!  It is a great responsibility.  What makes it wonderful is I chose the man I married knowing, he will be the example of what a man should be to my children.  Let me take a minute to brag on my husband..  He is Godly, giving, kind, patient, strong, sensitive, providing, smart, considerate, intelligent, hard-working, loving, funny, handsome, protective, passionate, and caring...  Literally, he is the whole package.  He completes and compliments me.  He is the standing example to James of what a man of God is.  I am so thankful.  Some say having a child causes distance in marriage.. In my experience, having a child has made me fall more in love with my husband.  Seeing him be a daddy is everything to me.

So, single ladies.. when you are dating and deciding if a man is marriage material.. decide if he is father material.  

Picture that man not only as a husband but as a daddy.  Get him around friends who have kids, or kids that are in your life.. See how he interacts.  Ask him questions.. Questions about his upbringing.. when he is a father, what would he continue or change.. how many kids does he want.. how much of an active role will he take as a dad.. I'm not saying to do this all on the second date or bombard him with questions of fatherhood.. Don't be demanding or crazy.  I am saying these questions need to be asked when you are serious.. And it should feel natural.  When you are talking about engagement or are engaged, there are important future questions you need to ask and have answered.. that's what good premarital counseling is for, which is a whole other post for another day.

Well, I hope all the fathers had a blessed Father's Day.  I pray every dad understands the magnitude of their worth and much needed role in their child's life.  Be an active, positive influence in your child's life.  It makes all the difference.

Here are a few Father's Day pictures from our weekend <3

Let's Talk About... Conflict

Confrontation.

When some of you read that word you felt on guard, ready.. Others felt fear, nervous.. Some view confrontation has a "bad" thing.  You were taught confrontation was wrong and to be avoided.  Some only know confrontation as screaming and ugliness. Some understand confrontation is a healthy thing.. And when done right, a process to healing and closure.

I fall into the latter category.  I grew up seeing healthy confrontation modeled by my parents.. To each other, us kids, or other people..  My parents never yelled or were ugly.  But, they did disagree.  Disagreements and confrontation were respectful discussions with a resolution.  Often, we had "family meetings".  When something big happened, we gathered upstairs in the living room and talked things out.  I am thankful for this example of confrontation in the home.  I'm not saying every one was always perfect about it.  When things got heated, it was quickly diffused.  We learned to listen and be empathetic.  We learned to respectfully disagree and confront  others.

My 5 guidelines for confrontation are:

1) Confront the person directly.  

This doesn't mean gossip or bad-mouth or complain about the person to some one else. It does me talk to the person you have offense with or disagree with.  Not through text.  Not through social media.  Face to face.  Don't let things get lost in translation.

If I have a problem with you, I can promise you will know it.  You won't be hearing it from others.  I will be telling you.

2)  Pick your battles.

I cannot stress this point enough! This is something I learned in Jr. High.  My youth Pastor told me this one day, and I took it to heart.

I am a passionate person.  I am a competitive person.  I am a determined person... Do you see where I am going with this??  Since I don't put up with crap and don't have a problem speaking my mind, I was fighting battles all over the place.  It was tiring.  I was dealing with so many mean girls my head would spin.  There's just no need in that.  Life is too short, yall.  Just because a battle is presented, doesn't mean you should fight it.  Maturity taught me to pick what was important..  What I needed to stand my ground on.

As I've gotten older, this has served me well..  Especially, being a wife and mother.  I pick what is critical and important.. On those issues, I won't back down.  The small stuff I shake off.  Don't make life harder than what it has to be. 

3)  You can't argue with stupid.

This kinda goes with #2.. But, it still stands alone.
Listen, some people are just not worth fighting with.  You can't reason with them.  You can't change their mind.  You can't make they listen.  They are difficult or know-it-alls or just plain mean.  That's life, and it's full of people like this.  These people are not my inner-circle people.  These people are just there.  They exist, and it can be hard to keep your mouth shut around them.  Trust me.  But, it's just not worth it because.. You can't argue with stupid.  Tell yourself that.. Make yourself laugh about it.  Go on doing your thing.

4) Practice Empathy

Try. Try hard to see the other person's point of view.. even if you know you are right.  This way you can better understand the situation and communicate effectively.  As a counselor, I am always reading nonverbals and analyzing.. I don't even realize I am doing it.  But, I do.  This helps me empathize with others and understand where they are coming from.  Give it a try.  It's not always easy.

5) Don't lose your cool.

This one is tough.  Sometimes you just want to scream and yell. I'd be lying if I said I have never yelled.  But, I learned a long time ago, when you yell several things happen:

The situation escalates.. The whole mood changes.  The person you were yelling at changes.. They yell back or become more defensive.  The situation can become unsafe.. Meaning.. Words cannot be unheard.. and ugly words hurt.

When you yell, you aren't truly heard.  Two things happen inside me when I've been yelled at.. I either shut down and block out everything you are saying. OR fire rises inside of me.. I stop listening and will win the fight.  Either way, the other person isn't heard.

Also, you are no longer communicating.  When you're angry or frustrated to the point of yelling, you no longer make sense.  You lose your ability to think clearly and effectively communicate.

Lastly, yelling makes you look bad.  If others are around you, and you're the only person yelling.. People see YOUR reaction to the offense.. Not what was actually done to you.  You appear out of control and sometimes even ignorant.

So, instead of yelling, get that tone.  That tone in your voice that means business.  Parents, you know what I'm talking about..  Just change it from a scolding tone to a.. I am serious and will be heard tone.



Confrontation and disagreements can be hard to work through.  We all make mistakes and lose our cool.. Always try to learn from every situation.  Consciously think about what you are about to say and how the other person will feel or react.  Don't let emotions overwhelm you.
Self-control.  Clear communication.  Resolution.