Dear James

Dear James,

Today, is your birthday.  My heart is thrilled to watch you learn and grow.  You are a problem-solver.  You are funny and full of energy.  You are strong-willed.  You are kind and loving.  You are creative and independent.. No matter how big and tall and smart you get.. You are my baby boy.

I will never hold you back from growing or chasing your dreams.. but, you will never have a moment you wonder if Mommy is there.. Because I will always be there for you.. I will always support you, encourage you, believe in you, pray for you, be strong for you, cry with you, laugh with you, and love you.  No matter what you do or say, you are my baby boy.

Thank you for enriching my life with your laughter and strong personality.  You are everything I prayed for.  God made you special.  He has His hand on your life. So dream big, work hard, and trust in God.  I know you will do great things.. You have already significantly impacted my life just by being my baby boy.

Today, you are two.
But, no matter how old you get.. You will always be my baby boy.

Love, Mama

Mommy Shaming: Stop it Already!!

A re-run of Full House came on the other night.  We can add Full House to James’ list of real human shows he likes: Big Bang Theory, DWTS, and Wheel of Fortune.  As James was mesmerized by Michelle, Dallas and I begin a conversation about "a simpler time".. Oh the 80's & 90's..  Bring back the scrunchies! Of course it was simpler.  We were babies.  But, beyond that, the 80's & 90's were awesome.  I'm sure every parent at some point says this.. ‘Maybe it was easier to raise children back in the day of my parents.’  

The truth is every generation has it hard and its own challenges.  The problem is in this digital generation, we have a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips.  In the past, doctors and other professionals were completely trusted.  If you needed to know something, you read a book or asked a professional.  Now, we can Google anything we want.  Parents second-guess doctors and teachers based on the information they've read online.  I'm not saying the internet and Google are our enemies all the time.  It's convenient and helpful, but the internet can be hazardous to our way of thinking.  

Parenting is under a microscope.  That microscope is social media.  We post all day every day about our beautiful kids and lives.  Every post or picture about our children is judged and criticized.  Being a mommy in today’s world can be brutal.  The worst part is majority of the judgers and critics are fellow mothers… Thus, let the mommy shaming begin.  

Mommy shaming has gotten so bad moms can’t post a picture without a clarifying hash tag or statement.  I can’t tell you how many friends of mine do this.. I know I’m guilty.  It’s a way of avoiding the attack.  What’s sad is I don’t know if we even consciously realize that’s what we are doing sometimes.  It’s like we expect people to assume the worst.  The truth is social media tells a partial truth.  People never truly know the full story.

A mom will post a picture of her cute daughter eating cookie dough off a spoon.. but it’s followed by (the cookie dough is eggless).. Or a mom will post a happy picture of her kid with an Easter basket.. but clarify (he won’t eat all the candy)..  A cute picture of a kid sitting in front of a tv watching his favorite movie is followed by.. he’s been outside all day and it’s time to relax.. I could go on and on.

We are shamed if we… don’t use all organic, feed gmos, don’t make our own baby food, vaccinate our children, don’t vaccinate, breastfeed in public, breastfeed for too long, give formula, cuddle our babies to sleep, let them cry it out, co-sleep, bed share, cloth diaper, disposable diaper, how we discipline, how we don’t discipline, stay at home with our babies, or go to work…… 

Literally, everything becomes a debate or can be a mommy shaming moment.  I’ve see moms shamed about the type of lotion or baby soap they use on their kids… Seriously?! Social media has unleashed monsters.  Wasn’t it nice when we could just parent and make the best decisions for our family in peace… Oh wait… I’ve never actually known that time.  Parents before us heard judgments to their face from family and friends or maybe strangers at the super market… Now, we get that AND social media for the world to see.  And how often it goes viral.

So, fellow mommies QUIT shaming your sister!  We are not perfect, but we choose to do what’s best for OUR family.  SAHMs and Working moms, let the war end.  If it is best for your family to stay home and you have the means/desire to do it, do it!  If you need to work or WANT to work, do it to it!

Moms, it’s hard enough raising a child in this world without the added shaming from one another.  Instead, we should be joining together.. defending each other.. encouraging each other! Not adding to the mess of criticism and shame.  I don’t agree with every thing I see from other moms, and I’m sure they don’t agree with every thing I do…. WHO CARES?!  You do you.  You take care of your family. 

If there is a legitimate safety concern, I understand the need to confront.  But, do it with grace and discretion.  Do it privately and with love!  That means.. don’t blast it on her IG or FB.. Don’t pm her over her giving her baby non-organic bananas.  Good grief.  I’ve decided I’m done with people shaming me or the unwanted advice.  Life is too short to clarify my actions in my posts or respond to crazies because I used the “wrong” type of lotion on my baby.  I'm over here like... We have more important problems as women to fight instead of each other.. respect, pay equality, maternity leave, and positions of leadership in the church and secular world.  

To tip the scale, I am going to encourage and compliment every fellow mom in my life.  I encourage you to do the same.  We need each other.  It’s time for the mommy shaming to end.  

Why every Child should have a Bop-Bag

Meet Bobo. A play therapist's & parent's best friend.. well, one of them :) 

Brandy's BOA 

The play therapy room is a magical place.  It is filled with a variety of hand-picked toys to allow the child to safely express whatever is needed. There are three categories: real-life toys, creative expressive toys, and aggressive-release toys.  The bop-bag aka "Bobo" is categorized as an aggressive-release toy.  Aggressive-release toys allow the child to express emotions that are typically not accepted in other settings (Landreth, 2012).  Children play with the bop-bag by hitting, kicking, or tackling it.  Children pretend it's a person (real or not real in their life) and act out sequences.  Children hit the bop-bag with objects or tie Bobo up. 

Bobo is not just for the play therapy room. 

I believe every child should have a bop-bag at home.  Bobo is a great redirection tool.  Depending on your child's temperament and developmental age, there are a variety of reasons why having a bop-bag at home would be desirable.  Children who experience big emotions or have difficulty expressing their emotions appropriately or are learning how to express their emotions can benefit from having a Bobo.  It's hard to be a little person with big emotions, especially if that child doesn't have many words.  Some children go through hitting or head-banging stages.  When a child is about to (or has) head bang or hit or kick, redirect the child to the bop bag...

Hitting Example: "You're angry (or another descriptive feeling word).  But, I am not for hitting. You can choose to hit the bop bag (point to Bobo)." 

The bop-bag provides a safe place for a child to express those big emotions; emotions the child may not fully understand.  Sometimes anger or anxiety can be overwhelming.  A child might need to actually hit something to get the frustration out or open the door to understanding the emotion/behavior.  

Children learn by doing, experiencing, and (symbolically) playing.  

Redirection is the first step to dealing with aggressive or inappropriate behavior.  It's important the parent provides an outlet for the behavior, but gets to the root of the issue.  So, use the bop-bag for an acceptable outlet, but observe what leads up to the inappropriate behavior.  After the child has expressed his or her emotions by acting out on Bobo, let there be a teaching moment.  Get on your child's communication level and communicate.  Let him know it's ok to be angry.  Every one experiences anger, but it how we deal with the anger that matters.  Always remember: Consistency is key.  Consistency is comfort to a child.  

If your child has severe behavioral issues contact a professional: pediatrician, play therapist, or speech pathologist.  Often, your pediatrician will be able to refer you to a play therapist or help you decide if your child's behavior is stemming from a speech issue.  You can always google RPT (registered play therapist) in your area.  

If your child is going through normal moments of acting out or learning how to deal with big emotions, try using a bop-bag as a redirection tool.  Find what works for your family. And if ever you are worried about your child, contact a professional for help.  Good counselors want to be a team with your family.  They will recognize your worth as a parent, which is a whole other post :)

Here is an inexpensive bop-bag example:

You can find these inflatable bop-bags at Walmart, Target, or Toy R Us. But, my favorite places to find them are Ross Dress for Less, Marshalls, or TJMaxx-- I find them there for $2.99! They are cheap for a reason.  They can leak.  I found this out with my grad practicum.. water every where.  It lasted a semester for me.  My advice is to put sand in the bottom for weight.  Then hot glue the opening shut.  Also, for good measure you can use duck tape on the bottom.  I bought black duck tape, and it makes it look like a part of the bag/ keeps everything in. My almost two-year-old has one :)

Last thing, sometimes kids hitting bop-bags are just plain FUN!!  So don't read too much into something.  Let fun be fun, but use a bop-bag to redirect the not so fun behaviors.

Reference

Landreth, G. (2012). Play therapy the art of the relationship. (3rd ed.). New York City: Taylor & Francis Group, LLC.

THIRTY & Thankful

For the past couple of years I have been saying I would start a blog.  Well, a year older always brings about introspection for me.  Yesterday, I turned the big 30.  I've put off this blog for reasons surrounding my two biggest life events: motherhood & grad school.  Now that I've conquered grad school and am embarking on my journey as a counselor, I feel it is time.  Really what I am saying is now that I don't have to write 20-30 page papers every week, typing up a blog isn't considered a chore any more but something fun.

I have thought long and hard about what my first post would be.. Surely something life changing.. challenging.. or monumental.. I am not sure any of those descriptions will stick. Instead I want to share something that is on my heart and dedicate this first post to my husband. As my 'about me' section states.. We have been happily married since 2009.. 7 YEARS this August <3 and since my birthday was yesterday, it is only fitting I share the best gift my husband has ever given me.

James Kal-El Dillon

You are probably thinking.. Cliche. Of course it she would say her son.. this adorable-blonde haired-blue eyed- sweet heart... But, it goes beyond the gift of my son & motherhood. My husband has given me the gift of being a stay at home mom for 2 years. For 2 years, I have been the sole caregiver for this little boy.  For 2 years, my husband has worked hard, been my support through grad school, and made it possible for me to stay home.

See, being a stay at home mom wasn't the plan. We didn't plan to get pregnant until after I finished grad school. Well, God had a different plan, and I thank Him every day.  I found out I was pregnant my first week of grad school.  We were elated and overwhelmed. This wasn't our plan.. I was supposed to be done with school.. have the Master's degree.. be secure in a job.  But, God knew I needed these 2 years being a stay at home mom.  Dallas worked hard to make it happen.  I can never thank God or Dallas enough for this precious gift.  James is a part of my heart.  I didn't realize how hard it would be for me to start work.  I had been a nanny for 12+ years always taking care of other mommies' littles. I never knew the struggle within. I never knew the battle of being an ambitious or a career driven woman vs. wanting to stay at home and not miss a moment with your baby. Now, I know. I know the heart ache. But, most importantly I know the 2 years I was able to be home with my baby.  I will never take that time for granted.

So, Dallas, thank you. Thank you for your hard work and sacrifice. Thank you for your support and encouragement. And, thank you for the best gift you could of ever given to me. I love you.