Your Child's Counselor

Counseling is a vulnerable and personal experience no matter the age.  Admitting you need professional help as a parent can be humbling.. You may have feelings of failure.. Feel as if you're at your wits ends.. Feel defeated.. Feel anxious.. Choosing the right counselor for your child can be a difficult process.

Your child's counselor is your family's counselor.  And, he or she should understand these feelings or reservations you have.  You should feel heard.  You should feel understood and empathized with.  Your child's counselor is not just there to counsel your child.  He or she is there to help counsel you.. to offer you parenting help, hear your concerns, hear your updates, and help your family heal or function in a healthy way.

Your child's counselor should be a trusted partner.  You should feel confident in his/her knowledge and abilities to counsel your family.  You should fully trust him or her.  This means trusting the counselor to tell you what you need to know but keeping your child's confidence.  For example.. The counselor would discuss John's anger with you this way.. "John is expressing and exhibiting a lot of anger in our sessions.. I was wondering how he deals with anger at home and school?"... The counselor would not say.. "John spent the entire hour session beating the snot out of the bop bag.. he stabbed it.. yelled at it..etc"... You have to trust the counselor enough to tell you what information you need to know.. Not always details and specifics.. but themes and summarizations. Keeping the trust and confidence of your child is crucial to the counseling relationship.  And if the time comes when quotes and details need to be shared, you can trust that the counselor will share them in the safest way possible for the child or teen.  Keeping your child safe, is the #1 priority.

Your child's counselor is a part of the team.  The team refers to the parents, the child, the teacher(s), the pediatrician, the counselor, and other professionals--psychologist or psychiatrist etc.  Any one that is involved in helping your child is a team player.  Help cannot be achieved by one person.  It takes every one doing their part.  This is why it is important to sign a release of information.. Allow your counselor to contact those who are also helping your child.  The team will work efficiently with open commutation.  A good counselor will want to work with a team.

Your child's counselor recognizes your worth as a parent.  This cannot be understated.  Too many parents feel pushed aside when their child has a problem... "leave it to the professionals"...  If you are not actively involved in your child's counseling process, it is time to find another counselor.  NO ONE is more important in your child's life than YOU.  You are an integral part in helping your child.  The counselor is in your child's life for a moment.  You are in your child's life forever.  This means you, the parent, will see this through to the end.  You will be there to help your child through life and the complications it brings.  Therefore, the counselor should be equipping you.  The counselor helps in this time of need, but prepares you and your child to be independent of the counselor.

He calls him Daddy.

We take this Sunday to celebrate dads.  Dads are awesome!!  Before they were dads, they were boys.  So, fellow boy moms and dads, listen up. You are raising someone's future husband and daddy.  Raise them babies right!  Teach those boys and young men to protect and provide.  Not only to protect and be strong with physical might.. but strong in God and strong in sensitivity.. Raise them to protect their heart and the hearts of those they love.  Teach them to be providers of all things.. even emotional needs. Raise up gentlemen and heroes.  Teach that young man to stand up for others.. those who can't or won't stand up for themselves.

I love being a boy mom!  It is a great responsibility.  What makes it wonderful is I chose the man I married knowing, he will be the example of what a man should be to my children.  Let me take a minute to brag on my husband..  He is Godly, giving, kind, patient, strong, sensitive, providing, smart, considerate, intelligent, hard-working, loving, funny, handsome, protective, passionate, and caring...  Literally, he is the whole package.  He completes and compliments me.  He is the standing example to James of what a man of God is.  I am so thankful.  Some say having a child causes distance in marriage.. In my experience, having a child has made me fall more in love with my husband.  Seeing him be a daddy is everything to me.

So, single ladies.. when you are dating and deciding if a man is marriage material.. decide if he is father material.  

Picture that man not only as a husband but as a daddy.  Get him around friends who have kids, or kids that are in your life.. See how he interacts.  Ask him questions.. Questions about his upbringing.. when he is a father, what would he continue or change.. how many kids does he want.. how much of an active role will he take as a dad.. I'm not saying to do this all on the second date or bombard him with questions of fatherhood.. Don't be demanding or crazy.  I am saying these questions need to be asked when you are serious.. And it should feel natural.  When you are talking about engagement or are engaged, there are important future questions you need to ask and have answered.. that's what good premarital counseling is for, which is a whole other post for another day.

Well, I hope all the fathers had a blessed Father's Day.  I pray every dad understands the magnitude of their worth and much needed role in their child's life.  Be an active, positive influence in your child's life.  It makes all the difference.

Here are a few Father's Day pictures from our weekend <3

Let's Talk About... Conflict

Confrontation.

When some of you read that word you felt on guard, ready.. Others felt fear, nervous.. Some view confrontation has a "bad" thing.  You were taught confrontation was wrong and to be avoided.  Some only know confrontation as screaming and ugliness. Some understand confrontation is a healthy thing.. And when done right, a process to healing and closure.

I fall into the latter category.  I grew up seeing healthy confrontation modeled by my parents.. To each other, us kids, or other people..  My parents never yelled or were ugly.  But, they did disagree.  Disagreements and confrontation were respectful discussions with a resolution.  Often, we had "family meetings".  When something big happened, we gathered upstairs in the living room and talked things out.  I am thankful for this example of confrontation in the home.  I'm not saying every one was always perfect about it.  When things got heated, it was quickly diffused.  We learned to listen and be empathetic.  We learned to respectfully disagree and confront  others.

My 5 guidelines for confrontation are:

1) Confront the person directly.  

This doesn't mean gossip or bad-mouth or complain about the person to some one else. It does me talk to the person you have offense with or disagree with.  Not through text.  Not through social media.  Face to face.  Don't let things get lost in translation.

If I have a problem with you, I can promise you will know it.  You won't be hearing it from others.  I will be telling you.

2)  Pick your battles.

I cannot stress this point enough! This is something I learned in Jr. High.  My youth Pastor told me this one day, and I took it to heart.

I am a passionate person.  I am a competitive person.  I am a determined person... Do you see where I am going with this??  Since I don't put up with crap and don't have a problem speaking my mind, I was fighting battles all over the place.  It was tiring.  I was dealing with so many mean girls my head would spin.  There's just no need in that.  Life is too short, yall.  Just because a battle is presented, doesn't mean you should fight it.  Maturity taught me to pick what was important..  What I needed to stand my ground on.

As I've gotten older, this has served me well..  Especially, being a wife and mother.  I pick what is critical and important.. On those issues, I won't back down.  The small stuff I shake off.  Don't make life harder than what it has to be. 

3)  You can't argue with stupid.

This kinda goes with #2.. But, it still stands alone.
Listen, some people are just not worth fighting with.  You can't reason with them.  You can't change their mind.  You can't make they listen.  They are difficult or know-it-alls or just plain mean.  That's life, and it's full of people like this.  These people are not my inner-circle people.  These people are just there.  They exist, and it can be hard to keep your mouth shut around them.  Trust me.  But, it's just not worth it because.. You can't argue with stupid.  Tell yourself that.. Make yourself laugh about it.  Go on doing your thing.

4) Practice Empathy

Try. Try hard to see the other person's point of view.. even if you know you are right.  This way you can better understand the situation and communicate effectively.  As a counselor, I am always reading nonverbals and analyzing.. I don't even realize I am doing it.  But, I do.  This helps me empathize with others and understand where they are coming from.  Give it a try.  It's not always easy.

5) Don't lose your cool.

This one is tough.  Sometimes you just want to scream and yell. I'd be lying if I said I have never yelled.  But, I learned a long time ago, when you yell several things happen:

The situation escalates.. The whole mood changes.  The person you were yelling at changes.. They yell back or become more defensive.  The situation can become unsafe.. Meaning.. Words cannot be unheard.. and ugly words hurt.

When you yell, you aren't truly heard.  Two things happen inside me when I've been yelled at.. I either shut down and block out everything you are saying. OR fire rises inside of me.. I stop listening and will win the fight.  Either way, the other person isn't heard.

Also, you are no longer communicating.  When you're angry or frustrated to the point of yelling, you no longer make sense.  You lose your ability to think clearly and effectively communicate.

Lastly, yelling makes you look bad.  If others are around you, and you're the only person yelling.. People see YOUR reaction to the offense.. Not what was actually done to you.  You appear out of control and sometimes even ignorant.

So, instead of yelling, get that tone.  That tone in your voice that means business.  Parents, you know what I'm talking about..  Just change it from a scolding tone to a.. I am serious and will be heard tone.



Confrontation and disagreements can be hard to work through.  We all make mistakes and lose our cool.. Always try to learn from every situation.  Consciously think about what you are about to say and how the other person will feel or react.  Don't let emotions overwhelm you.
Self-control.  Clear communication.  Resolution.

Parenthood & Friendship

James and I spent the week at my parents in Little Rock.  It was my last visit for a long time because I will start working weekends soon.  We enjoyed every day, and it was filled with new adventures for James.  The quality time I spent with my parents got me thinking about the transition from parenting to friendship. 

Parenting and friendship are powerful components that at times intertwine and stand alone.

When we are young, we need our parent to be parents.  We need structure and authority filled with unconditional love.  When we are teens, we need authority and guidance that leads us to independence.  Also, we need to begin a friendship that will last throughout our adult years.  In our young and old adults years, we need our parents to become our close friends, no longer our authority figures.  What I just described is the desired outcome when you have a healthy relationship with your parents.

My parents are my best friends.

They were parents when I was young.  They didn't try to be my "friend". They raised me to be capable and independent.  Yet, they raised me in an atmosphere of love.  They respected me; I respected them.  They understood their job and ultimate goal was to raise me to stand on my own.  Not to hover.  Not to dictate.  Not to make my decisions.  Not to always protect me.

There comes a point in parenthood you have to start letting go.  You have to let your kids fail.  It's hard.  It's hard to watch your children make mistakes or struggle no matter their age.  But, sometimes it is necessary.  If you have a strong friendship with your children in their adults years, you've reserved the right to speak into their lives when asked.  Because you have that friendship, they will ask; they value your opinion.  But, as the parent, you know your opinion and advice may not be their final decision. And, guess what? That is okay. Remember, you raised them to be adults.  You raised them to be capable.

I understand.. That is your baby, and your baby he will always be.  I get it.  But, you (the parent) will not always be around.  You will not always be there to make the decisions for your child.  You have to instill in your child the values and wisdom it takes to make it alone.  That is your job.  Not to always hold their hand or command what they do.

I am so thankful my parents raised me to be a strong, independent, and capable woman.  They trust me, and I trust them.  They did their job well.  They are there for me when I fail or succeed.  They are my biggest cheerleaders.  Now, they recognize me as an adult and friend.  Don't get me wrong, I will always be their baby.  But, now, our relationship has turned into sometime beautiful.. a strong friendship.  I love spending time with them.  I love seeing them be grandparents.  I love my parents.